write and ride

what to do when you can't write? write.
life is a roller coaster. ups, downs, twists and turns.
you never expect it to derail. and most likely it won't, nor will it stop for anyone.
you just have to ride it out.
falling sometimes. climbing sometimes.
all on the momentum you gain early on in the ride.
i need one of those mid ride boosts. you know, the one that helps you get over the next hump.

also, the end of the ride would be acceptable too.

Elevator

Tried praying in the elevator;

God, I want her,
God, I need her.

But I couldn't bring myself to say the words.
I am a wretched man.
One with a past.
Not worthy of a beggar,
Most certainly not an angel.
But then, after all the lies subside
Im able to hear His voice
The voice of Power and Truth.
He says, Come up here.
Here I AM.
Be with me and let me make you,
Who I want you to be.
And that, my son,
Is perfect.
Holy.
Sinless.
Blameless.
I did it already.
I FORGAVE you.

See, I want YOU
I need YOU.

Yes, she's my princess,
But you need to act like my prince.

Time

I'm trying to figure out how the world works.
But everywhere I look, I find that thing, it lurks.
The driving force of modern humanity.
A whimsical duress brought on by insanity.
"Oh save us from ourselves" we cry
When deep inside we know its time.
Time to awaken our sleeping hearts
Time to finally give in to our parts
Of life, that is, this crazy journey
Before we wind up on a psych ward gurney.

Untitled 1

All over the world a sound is made,
It resonates off every aspect of existence yet we never TRULY hear it.
It’s there to be heard one day by those who listen carefully.
And if you don’t know what your listening for
You will definitely miss it.

Listen for the sound.

i have seven minutes left of battery

lets see if i can get my thoughts out before then.

i turn 23 in exactly a week. and birthdays, at least starting this year, are becoming a time of reflection.
i always thought that the time between the ages of 18-24 were the most influential years of life. at least the most productive in the sense of developing patterns of thought to be put towards the benefit of those older and younger. and i guess i just had the essence of it all wrong in my head.
the time spent during those years will be carried on through my life.
i have two more years.

oh the things often disregarded

like the hold that most influences have on our life. be it a wise mentor, or a silly TV show we like to watch with friends, but mainly music.
for me its been a wild ride. what influences you can draw things out of you that you never knew were there before but at the same time can place a desire for things that you never thought you would succumb to. things like chain smoking or reading.

im convinced that reading is the solution to many of society's problems. if we would all slow down and exercise a little imagination and expand our capacity to escape to places unseen and unreachable, maybe then we could get our heads out of our asses long enough to rediscover the part of life that make us smile.

sex. 's.

oh, the hold women have on men.
or is it the men, that womanize the women who then, in turn, plot revenge on the men to relentlessly torment men for making them into nothing more than cheap sex icons and very expensive currency, who have a hold on their own dicks?

is there a shift of expectations going on that i don't know about? or am i just now discovering a system set forth by years of development?

maybe its of the fear of becoming the status quo which creates a new status quo; henceforth unraveling the secret to the evolution of the human psyche.

i could type till my fingers bleed on this one.



or maybe, if everyone just got laid, the world just might be a better place...

writing is...

Funny how for me the actual act of writing is a deterrent from the writing process itself. I mean I write in my head all the time. Ideas, thoughts, concepts.
But I realized at the post office today, while writing out a label for a package, how shoddy my handwriting is. That is pretty much the sole reason why I refrain from writing what I want, and my computer isn't attached to my hip, and the iPhone sucks to type a bunch of stuff...
Yet I still keep a Moleskine with me.

I think I'm going to write poetry again.
I have so much I need to release.

Also, songwriters night is starting up again at The Foundry...

So, how about some meat from my life??
Yes, even vegetarians have a meaty life.

Loneliness is a big deal. I'm surrounded by people and meet lots of new people everyday. But I still feel lonely. And no, its not a "God-shaped hole" because we're tight. Its a companionship kind of thing. Its so bad that I literally logged onto eharmony.com. I didn't sign up, but thats a move of desperation. And I'm not desperate. I just need something else to fill my thoughts. I'm not as busy as I want to be in my brain.
I need to read more.
I know that. But I feel like thats all I know; that I want to know more.

I feel pretty stupid sometimes.
Maybe thats why I'm alone?

Is it my looks?
Maybe I really am ugly after all.

Maybe its my personality.
I get bored with me, maybe everyone else does too.

Lack of confidence?
I think too much.

Is it my location?
I feel bigger than my body for sure.

I miss California a lot.
Too much sometimes.
Every change of season, my heart explodes.

I'm a passionate person, I know that.
I just wish certain people would too.





It sucks that the meat I chose to share today (and most of them) is my insecurities and problems.
I need another blog for good things.

some people...

dont get it.
At all.

I'm appalled that people think that attempts of intimidation through tyranny by means of extreme conservatism along with the notion that I can be controlled by mind games, still work on my psyche, (going on) five years out of high school.

I mean, with all that I've fought for, in my own life; a break away from the old to build the new from (an intentionally objective) scratch; a departure from the control I've allowed in my life other than the constants and desirables; a constant flip of circumstances in my head to refrain from a feeling of inferiority or intimidation, or even the flip that keeps one from getting "walked all over"; some would assume I could take the heat.

Still my war isn't over.
Battles have been fought, lost, and won.
And still there are many more to come.

I would love to shout a hearty f*** YOU!! to many entities.

But what kind of guy would I be??










I guess I could...no one reads my shit anyway.

September 11 was 2 days ago

And knowing all the pain America has gone through, the circumstances that have bound us together in camaraderie is deeper than a word. We were united to a common cause: maintaining and furthering our freedoms and liberties that people have died for in the horrors of war and in innocence attacked at home. We are one in that.

But yet, I am still selfish.

I feel insignificant. I crave recognition for attempting to be set apart, whether I deserve it or not. I want to know that I'm good at something, whether I am or not.

Funny thing is, I know why.
Funny thing is, I know how to make it go away.

I think it's all part of Gods grand design. His plan.
Not for me to hurt and struggle, but to seek redemption. To find balance. In Him, and elsewhere (more on that in my thoughts only).

I'm craving fellowship.

lifestyles

of the rich and famous.

To live is to err.

I err often. I've been asked to speak at a church and I feel like God is telling me to speak on some subjects that are hard for me to live out intrinsically. It takes intention, sure, but I fall. A LOT. But my dilemma is this; do I knowingly become a hypocrite?? Attempt to live out my words and fail again and again??

I'll figure it out.

influence

Common links between influential people. Go.

Looks?
Height?
Developmental region?
Ethnicity?
Appreciation for Asian culture? (don't laugh)
Conscious actions?
Gifting?
Hard work?
Etc...

I want to know.

oh the joys

around this time last year i was struggling with the same problem: given an atmosphere of redundancy and relative mindlessness, all of the creativity and ability to translate thought, ideas, and even an explanation of the days happenings diminish exponentially. i believe i also expressed my frustration earlier this year. being a lifeguard.
can i just be in a place where i can exercise my right brain?? it suckkkkks
give me a job. any job.

im ready for fall,

im ready for life.

Iran

I don't understand a lot when it comes for foreign affairs or even domestic opinions, but what i do know, is that excessive propaganda on any side of an issue is the trend for most skirmishes and seems to be a sure fire way to win anybody.

That was a side note.

Cyprus: 1974, The Turkish invasion of Cyprus.
My dad was nearly killed by an explosion from the turkish during the invasion. Nearly 200,000 people were forced from their homes. Many of my family included in the mass exodus of refugees to the southernmost part of the island. I reheard the story last night at my Greek lesson. And each time I hear the story my dad tells about that day, it reminds me that life is so fragile, yet in America, life is also so effortless.
Note that; in an invasion, you essentially have one side fighting for occupation of land, and the other side fighting and dying to keep their homes and keep their families safe.
So who's the bad guy? Well, ultimately Britain, according to history, but who's keeping score, eh?

But Iran.

People are dying. I watched a morbid video of a woman getting shot in the streets. a woman mid-late twenties. Blood pouring from her mouth and nose. Looking at the camera (me, everyone else watching it seems) allowing me to look into her desperate soul moments before her death. This affects me. I've wept all morning at the atrocities that are happening RIGHT NOW!!
What does love look like on our part as it pertains to Iran? What can we do as free peoples in America? Is it our job to even care? What is our government doing to help? Is it their job to help?

My family were driven from their homes in 1974. My dad nearly died protecting his family.

People are dying now.
For what?

Fathers Day

I'm here thanks to those guys.

My dad helped me with the board. We had such a great time, and that doesn't happen often when working on a project. But as I get older a more mature, the relationship I have with my dad matures also. I'm happy.

and...

i will keep reminding myself until its done:

Get rid of anything thats not useful, beautiful, or joyful.

enjoi.

i love creating.
whether its electronic components, sewn goods, or metamorphosing and amalgamating ideas.

i want to make things for my friends.

So dumb

I was supposed to work this morning at 9.
Its 9:45.
I honestly thought I wasn't supposed to work today because I have swim lessons ALL day.
I can't do this whole job thing anymore.

What a wonderful world.

This weekend was great:
New friends, and new beginnings
Mosquito bites from bird-sized insects.
The open road in a new van.
Kids, lots of awesome kids.
New dreams.
New thoughts.
New memories.
And...foil, aluminum foil.

...an indication of irreplaceable friends.

florida

we made it.
before midnight.

yay us!
hooray for van!

i'm ready for the beach.

-Jesus, keep the rain away-

rewind stuff

rewindstuff.com

coming soon.

bracelets, camera straps (wrist, or neck), iphone wallets (pocket, or neck), also custom, by order stuff. message me and let me know what you need!!

Authority

I got it.
The Maker of all lives in me, so I have the authority to bring heaven to earth. I also have the authority to bring hell on earth.
Scary, yea?

-Jesus, help me represent Your authority the way You intended. Not my way, but Yours. I am Yours.-

//Show me how to love like You have loved me//

Hillsong last night rocked my world.
I need more training in leadership. Or at least more fellowship with other believers.
I want to go deeper.
I want to go higher.

Not spiritual goo.
Just Jesus. And what we COULD be.

I need to get on Re::wind.

Lets set a goal, how 'bout it? Umm by the end of July, I want to have the first Re::wind Forum.
I want to people to experience thought and mind transformation.

Grace and Peace.

Thought for the day::

Its one thing to join a movement;
its another to adopt a lifestyle.

so close, yet....

Bachelor of Science in Environmental Studies: Biology

REQUIRED CORE COURSES:
BISC 120L General Biology: Organismal Biology and Evolution 4
BISC 220L General Biology: Cell Biology and Physiology 4
BISC 300L Introduction to Microbiology 4
BISC 315L Introduction to Ecology 4
BISC 320L Molecular Biology 4
BISC 330L Biochemistry 4
CHEM 105aLbL General Chemistry 4-4
CHEM 322abL Organic Chemistry 4-4
ENST 100 Introduction to Environmental Studies 4
ENST 495 Senior Seminar in Environmental Studies 4
MATH 125 Calculus I 4
MATH 126 Calculus II, or
MATH 208x Elementary Probability and Statistics 4
PHYS 135abL Physics for the Life Sciences 4-4

ONE COURSE FROM:
BISC 325 Genetics 4
ENE 400 Environmental Engineering Principles 3
GEOL 105L Planet Earth 4
GEOL 412 Oceans, Climate, and the Environment 4
GEOL 460L Geochemistry and Hydrogeology 4

FOUR ELECTIVE COURSES CHOSEN FROM (NO MORE THAN TWO IN A SINGLE DEPARTMENT):
ECON 487 Resource and Environmental Economics 4
ENST 420 Water Quality Policy and Regulation 4
ENST 430 Air Quality Policy and Health 4
ENST 440 Environmental Risk Assessment 4
GEOG 255 American Environmentalism 4
GEOG 345 Conservation of Natural Resources 4
GEOG 350 Race and Environmentalism 4
GEOG 360 Environmental Disasters 4
GEOG 370 Marine and Coastal Zone Geography 4
GEOG 477 Water Resources 4
IR 323 Politics of Global Environment 4
IR 422 Ecological Security and Global Politics 4
POSC 347 Environmental Law 4
POSC 436 Environmental Politics 4
SWMS 415 Ecofeminism 4
SWMS 420 Woman, Nature, Culture: The Behavioral Ecology of Women 4

ONE OF THE FOLLOWING MAY BE INCLUDED AMONG THE FOUR COURSES BY STUDENTS WHO DO NOT SELECT MATH 208X:
ECON 317 Introduction to Statistics for Economists 4
PSYC 274 Statistics I 4
SOCI 314 Sociological Statistics 4


i'm nowhere close...

i woke up from dreaming about school and what i could be learning.
i need to take online classes. stat.

Art.

Emotions run high.
Tempers flare.
You know happiness is just around the corner, but right now, it just seems so unobtainable.

Loneliness.
Confusion.
Pain.
Happiness.
Love.

We all are a whirlwind of feelings and gut wrenching passions and instincts that burn inside.

And everyone needs an avenue. An escape. A way out.

Music
Painting
Sculpting
Photography
Writing
Film

All of them; ART.

So wouldn't it be safe to assume that art is a necessary part of life?
Because where would we be, without it?

How do you feel?
Tell me without words.

Run faster.

Its always good to reconnect with old friends. Sometimes when they resurface, it brings a little bit of happy goo in your life. Or is it you that resurfaces for them??

This week I am fasting solid food. Thats right. Liquids only. If I can't drink it through a straw, I'm not ingesting it.
This is part of an ongoing process of getting my body back in check. Healthifying me. Controlling the part of my mind that has given in to the 21st century mindset of instant gratification for everything and anything. So far, so good. Soups, smoothies, and juice.

Also, I bought an external HDD last night and successfully eliminated about 60 GB of junk off my computer. SO much better. So thats sort of what I hope to do with my diet this week; eliminate a lot of junk so I can run faster.

and we're back

remember how i said that my blogs might get political?
well here goes.

i've been thinking (*lifeguard*) and i've decided that i believe that Jesus and Obama should remain separate. they should be friends, but they need to let each other do their thing. Jesus saves souls, and Obama saves butts.

but seriously though. Jesus had a lot to say about leaving Ceasar to his own ways and following The Way. Jesus set up a new kingdom when He was here. Not just in heaven, but a kingdom we could bring to earth. how? through us. through you and me. we have to do it. and its not going to happen by forcing our "religious, christian" views on people who don't believe the same way we do! guess what? paul wasn't talking to those people in the book acts or ephesians or any of the epistles. Jesus was talking to everyone. so eye for an eye? boom! Jesus took that and threw it out with the temple tables.

all that said. yes. acting on homosexuality and making into a habitual lifestyle is wrong according to scripture. but how can people say that there is no redemption for that? how can they belittle my Jesus and say that His blood isn't enough for that? what is our job as 21st century Christians? is it to vote to make everyone act (not think) the same as us? because if you vote to do what is moral in your opinion, then you're essentially saying "i don't care what you think, this is the way i want everyone to live regardless of what they think." but is it even our job to say "its ok. its your choice; marry who you want to marry, abort the baby if you want, have a few more kids out of wedlock if you want."

i'm to the point, right now, where i want to talk about it. as christians, and then also as humans, and then lastly as an american (is it bad i'm ashamed [glad] sometimes to say that?).

i think we should let humanity choose its own morality, while we as christians already have ours laid out for us.

Too much

Right now, I'm at a place where I need to stop, check the map, and maybe go back to that last intersection. It officially at the "reevaluate my life" part of this year. Hopefully this will be the only one. But one of the things I've realized (among many others) is that there hasn't been any part of my life where I've "died to myself." I've pretty much done what I want when I want. That has to stop. Its a self destructive pattern that only leads nowhere fast. I want to live different. Not just different than life for me now; but different than everyone else in this town who thinks that they're different. And I have to figure out what that looks like.

I haven't finished some things that I've stared. I've let friendships slip away. I've been unproductive. And I've hurt people.

I'm sorry.

It's spring.
And it's time for a breath of fresh air and a burst of life.

eyes.

eyes tell a lot about a person;
one shouldn't make assumtions, but nevertheless, eyes give you away.

"You don't need human relationships to be happy, God has placed it all around us."


"Happiness only real when shared."


contradicting thoughts, eh?
both from the same man.

we were made for each other.
people.

it bothers me how competitive we have become. its a "me" race; everyone is vying for a piece of the pie.

but what would happen if those who attained some pie or have been given pie; what if those people were to share theirs.

what if we were to join together and do life together
and LOVE.

::oh shoot, here i go again with the love thing::

but isn't that what it all boils down to, really??
i feel like its so simple, like i should be thinking more.
its as if i should be analyzing action after action to take to make my world a better place for me and those who live in it.
i feel like there's got to be more underneath; that this whole love thing is just scratching the surface.

but it really is that simple.
and there's lots more, but its made of the same stuff as the surface.

maybe thats where, in the sub-compartments of my sub-conscience, the eyes come into play...

your eyes are a portal into your mind.
you read with your eyes.
you behold the beauty that is our world with our eyes.
you communicate with your eyes.

and your eyes are two-way:
things can come out of your eyes.
they can tell truth and lies.
they can exude love or hate.
and they can reveal honesty or deceit (not so different from truth and lies, but different still)


do you want to win at life??
share it.
love it.
share each other.
love each other.

and let it come from within; because your soul, your integrity and your love.
all of it...


...your eyes will tell.

so what.

so my blogs might get political.
don't expect POLITics to be POLITe.

i, along with many folks my age, are in a perpetual process of thought formulation where, i would hope, both morality and humanity are taken into consideration. if that needs explanation, allow me: morality, as it pertains to spirituality versus common consensus of right and wrong, will differ from one person to another. you can't convince a bird he is a fish. a fish can tell the bird to keep flying and to 'please don't swim', yet he is still a fish and the bird, a bird. humanity is constant. a human will never cease to be a human no matter what he does; rape, murder, or like madonna.
that said, issues that plauge us today demand we take a stance.

to be continued...

Life guarding sucks because...

Its a terrible tragedy not being able to release things that have built up inside for so long. Being a lifeguard, I have a lot of time to think. It is bittersweet, though, because thoughts that I have, that I know would be great to write about, or even capture on paper, or internet, come and go so quickly and frequently that I never get the chance to get them out. Because a.) by the time I get to paper, new thoughts or distractions get in my way, or b.) I forget. So, I am hoping that one day I will be able to have my trusty computer with me at all times so when inspiration hits, I'll be ready. But for now, we'll just go with, well, nothing. So sorry to my friends and random strangers who happen upon my blog only to find that I haven't given an update in months. Grace and peace!!